That long winding road

 The harder things become,

The more I need to celebrate the small wins,

The tiny hurdles I overcome,

Every small step I can move, may it be 

forward, sideways… diagonally…

Or even if it means taking a step back to stop to breathe,

I won’t beat myself myself up over it.

I want to be okay to pause,

I want to allow the chance to rethink my steps,

I will, will myself to be okay to make mistakes,

Because it will only be a true mistake if I stubbornly carry on because of my ego.

But it will be part of my learnings if I admit defeat, take a detour and find a better option.

Life is not about having everything in place every time.

It is about walking the path,

Finding my way in the light and the dark.

Sometimes trusting my instincts when the road is misty and my thoughts murky..

Just one step at a time…

Believing in myself and trusting that no matter how much I fail.

I will get up and try again.

Every journey starts with the person I see in the mirror.

And that is me.

Pinochio 2012 - 13th June 2021

                                        13th June 2021 3.37pm

Today I close a chapter of my life. 

Closed but forever treasured.

Often to be revisited and opened to smile at the wonderful memories embedded inside.

I lost my little pinochio today, part of my heart died with her.

She was the tiniest creature with the biggest character.

She came into my life in 2012 and for the next 9 years she walked all over me and trampled everlasting pawprints all over my heart.

She was fiercely independent, noisy, busybody, bossy, fierce and a ball of pure feisty.

My sunshine and rain, my fire and snow. My thunder and lightning. 

My love and my soul.

She leaves a huge hole in my heart.

In My home.

And in my life.

I hoped I gave you a good happy life my feisty girl.

Because you sure made my life such a colourful one.

There will never be another pinochio like you.

You will always be my sunshine girl.

I will try not to dwell on the fact that we lost you.

But instead be so very thankful that we had the pleasure of having you grace our lives for so many wonderful years my darling girl.

I will miss you. Forever and always.

And I will love you. Forever and always.

 

The first day after, today was harder than yesterday...

                                                      Pinochio 

Your tiny Stature

Left a big hole

A huge void

That leaves me feeling so hollow

I don’t know when I will stop crying every time I think about you.

I look and look hoping that this is all a dream

But I know inside 

That this is the reality I need to live with

From now on.

It hurts so bad.

I am so glad I made every effort to kiss you more

Hug you more

Love you even more than my heart could bear.

Something was nagging at me 

Telling me something

I tried to keep going to the vet to check

But as always

You did things on your own terms

You changed a few habits

I logged on to them

And hugged you even closer

Every second I could find the time

But I thought I would have just a little bit more time.

Just a little bit more.

But I guess there never is enough time 

Is there my little tinipinintio

Timpantio punitio Tim Tim tio.

 

When you lose a part of your heart....

 Pinochio

14th June 2021

Mummy cannot function today baby girl.

You left such a hole.

I will continue to keep writing to you.

Maybe you can feel it 

When the universe sends these notes to you in heaven 

I know in time,

The pain will dull.

I will not write so much anymore

But not because I have forgotten you

But because I have to continue living

You would have wanted the brother dog  and sister cat you left behind to still have a mummy’s love.

This is so hard my baby girl.

So very hard.

I miss you.

Only when you are at your most vulnerable,

When you have nothing to offer others.

Will you then know your true friends and acquaintances.

2020 has really been a year of revelations.

An eye opening experience.

Yet I would not trade it in for a smoother ride

I would probably will do it all again

I grew up so much this year alone,

More than I ever did in a decade

And I finally saw life as it was.

And it is a good thing.

Less is always more,

Humility over ego,

Keep learning, stay humble.

Apologising never lost anyone their teeth.

Reminding myself that if I could be anything .

Always choose to be kind.

Oh and one last thing.

I think Tun typo lah last time....

He didn’t mean Wawasan 2020.

He actually meant WasWas2020!

Chicken rice in a rush.

Baked Chicken Thighs.

Marinate with salt, soy sauce caramel soy sauce and pepper. 

Bake covered in foil with one big onion sliced for 60 minutes.

Removed foil, bath with the gravy in the pan and bake uncovered for 60 minutes about 180 C, turn chicken pieces bathe with gravy again and bake for another 60 minutes.

When you want to serve, spoon the fragrant garlic and ginger oil on top and drizzle with a little  soy sauce.

Condiment for all the dishes so make a bundle of these-Fragrant fried garlic and ginger oil.

Chop garlic and ginger.

Fry them separately till fragrant and golden. 

Set aside.

Brinjal.

Slice brinjals.

Dump into salt water.

Fry garlic and mince pork/ chicken marinated in one egg and oyster sauce till fragrant and natural gravy from meat almost dries up.

Keep aside.

Fry half a big onion and garlic till fragrant, add in brinjal and fry covered till soft and wet and mushy.

Iceberg Lettuce 

Just dump these in boiling water with a bit of sugar and oil.

Dish out draining the water, put in serving dish, drizzle oyster sauce and two big tablespoons full of fried fragrant garlic and oil.

Cucumbers in sesame soy sauce

Slice the cucumbers.

The sauce is a mix of fried fragrant garlic oil + sesame oil+ soy sauce +

Sesame seeds . Mix me up and drizzle on TOP.

Cook the basmati rice coz better to eat Low- glycemic carbs.

When you wanna serve, spoons some fragrant garlic and ginger oil on top. 

 Serve with some garlic and chilli oil. 

Nah! 

No need to go eat outside chicken rice.

Cook at home wei.

#chickenrice

#homecooked

#flattenthecurve

 

 Coping with a jobless life

I have two dogs and a cat, when I was slogging a full time job, I would order from people who cooked dog food and spend hundreds per month on pet food.

Why not? I didn't believe in Kibble and I didn't have any time. 

My poor pets would wait at home for at least 12 hours each day for me to come home. Only to be given a few minutes of my time before I had to deal with chores, child and life.

I realised this only after I quit my job and started spending all my time at home, well maybe too much time then coz recently I notice my pets always giving me the side eye.

They must be  wondering why the heck I am in their face 24-7. On their favourite sofa, lying on their favourite pillow. Disturbing their slumber. Blowing in their faces whenever and whatever.

Oh well too bad Poochies, your human mother suddenly had a moment of insanity and just walked out of a full time job from a company she has been slaving at for 11 years.

Pandemics and lock downs does something to your mind. For the better or worst?

That, I will only be able to answer you later.

As for now, I am just taking my time to find myself again first.....

to be continued...

 Honey Garlic Pork

Get yourself a cheap Korean Maifan Stoneware Pan from Lazada or Shopee. I can't bloody afford Stoneline and all that shit.

Some Pork Belly cut into some weird sizes, marinate with salt and pepper.

One big yellow onion.

Thumb size ginger.

Dash of sesame oil.

Cook in there till it caramelises and browns and smells fucking good.

Add chopped garlic.

Sauté till fragrant.

Add honey, how sweet you like is how much you put lah.

Add soy sauce.

Stir the fuckers.

Add some sesame seeds.

At any time you wanna check the taste just lick the ladle and add whatever you feel needs adding ☺️

Voila!

Serving suggestion with garlic butter rice, omelette and some vegetables to make it easier to poop later.

#homecooked

#onlysixingredientsmaybe

#cookwithoutmeasurements

#cooklikeawitch

#chinesefood

#honeygarlicpork

There is no reverse gear - looking back at my life while stuck in middle age Part 1

 

A brief reintroduction of myself and why this blog has stayed stagnant for the past 7 years or so.

I am a single mother of 2 boys. well. you can't call them boys anymore, one bugger is almost 30 and the other just turned "sour" 16 a couple of days ago. Whoever coined the term "sweet sixteen" obviously has faulty tastebuds....

I come from a broken home, had a weird childhood growing up. As a female child growing up in the 70s, I was a walking Chinese Dilemma.

My early years memories of my mum was of a smartassed sassy loved to dance strict lady who always reminded me of my Ps and Qs.

My Dad was a fleeting image of a Happy go Lucky laughing person who was not always around. 

I would be driven to kindy in a Jaguar.... weirdest thing ever considering the kindy was only like 578 metres from my house.

The relationship between my Mom and dad that I bore witness to, was one so volatile, if I look back into my memory bank, all I can see are vintage coloured images like a "shadow play show or wayang kulit" of two people arguing and literally fighting with fists and hands all the bloody time. 

That is when they were together in the same room.

If they were in different places, they behaved quite normal.

Whenever I look back and try to remember about my early childhood with both my parents together, I just see myself running between my mom and dad after one of their constant huge rows, trying to pacify and calm the situation.

Each would tell me that it is the other's fault, while I tried to put cream on one and wipe off the sweat and spit with a wet towel from the other. 

The other memory that often resurfaces is one of tiny me surrounded by all my pillows and bolsters, all the cushions from the sofa in the sitting room and whatever I could stack up high like blankets.

I would make a night time mini fort to guard myself against gargoyles and scary things in the closets and under the bed, whilst I tried to make myself go to sleep but so frightened of the dark night and praying hard to see my dad's car headlights shine into the bedroom window so that I know he is finally home.

Why I was alone at home so often ..... I have no idea.

These fragmented pieces of my past may kind of explain the slightly kooky grown woman you see today, one who is super obsessed with certain things.

Like I will have to press a light switch 12.8 times to switch it off, otherwise the world will end. Or some shit like that.

I will blame myself hard for anything bad that happens, any problems or any conflict I will kick myself in the gut first and then I will try to fix it to make things better, bending over backwards and forwards and being utterly stupid. 

Or... sometimes simply run away.

Why? Because I hate conflict of any kind.

I build a wall around me to protect myself, hence, not many people will know the real me from the image I put out there. 

Sometimes, I don't even know who the real me really is.

To be continued.....

#middleagedwoman #mystory #thenewnorm #howtocope

 Mom Rant of The Day.

Dear Parents out there,

Do you have moments when you feel that although you love your kids to the moon and back.

You just don't like them very much......?

The humble Aloe Vera. 

I have just one single succulent aloe vera plant basking on the floor of my balcony, hanging on strong and bold and steady.

Rain shine Dog pee.

Nothing fazes this succulent.

Every third day, I cut off one tongue making sure to cut as close to the root as possible. Split it and slather all over my face, neck and lips.

This has been the balm to my poor state of finances.

Softens my skin, protects it from sunburn.

Stops me from snacking because (have you tasted natural aloe gel?) It is bitter as heck!

Natural organic skin care. ( organic because fertiliser happens to be rice water and dog pee)

I leave the gel on my face for at least an hour or if I forget, for many hours.

It's totally good for you.

Just a note of caution....

If you are one half of a couple...

make sure your partner appreciates soggy smells....

Freshly harvested Aloe Vera gel on the face, when it dries can somewhat smell a little odd.

Try keeping some leftover fresh aloe vera in the fridge wrapped in a paper towel.

The next day, you will find some yellowish stains and a pungent familiar smell coming from it.

Somewhat like as if you rubbed your Day Old underwear all over your face.

Okay okay,

The End.

Oct 26th, 2009 -  the day I QUIT.
The day I woke up and told myself, I QUIT. I am a QUITTER. I had enough. I give it all UP!

Looking back now, end of 2008 was a very trying period in my life. Work was tough, I was broke most of the time, everything was complete utter shit, really.

Mid 2009, I changed jobs. October 2009, 26th Monday. I quit smoking. You must wonder, why? Suddenly? Well, I had been a smoker since I was 18. At first it was cool. Then it became a nasty habit. Then it was the best way to stay trim. Coffee and cigarettes and crash diets and duramin. Story of most of my young life.

Trust me, that took it's toll. after the debacle of 2008, my health took a major knock. In July 2009, down to my lowest weight, I had literally survived on coffee and cigarettes for most of 8 months. It was time to rein in my bad ways, so cliche right?

So yeah, at midnight on Oct 25th, I smoked my last cigarette as a SMOKER. Monday Oct 26th 2009. I became a non-smoker.

It will be 3 years to the dot tomorrow. I made it this far. Not without my far share of heartbreaks though. 3 years and 15 kilos later, I am now only slowly trimming off the added weight through good eating habits and exercise. Do I care when people look at me and say, Wah! You so fat! Yeah of course I do. But then, only I know why, and that is the only thing that matters.

So here's my silly story, this girl, she did it. And she is damn proud of it too. Yeah, I may not be as svelte as I was, but I can get there again slowly but surely. What I have gained though, is a slice of my health back, and that's worth it's weight (pun intended) in gold.

So don't give up about Giving Up. Good Luck.

PS Once in a blu Ie moon, indulge in a bit of organic spliff. That's okay, I always tell others, I'm going green :p

Bowl food. Simply delicious broth - aka bubur la

What you'll need:-
One big meaty soup bone
Half a kampung chicken
Organic ground beef
Organic carrots and spinach leaves
Dried oysters
Basmati rice
Fresh unshelled prawns(cleaned though)
Garlic

Boil that big meaty soup bone, kampung chicken, dried oysters, cubed carrots and unshelled prawns in a huge ass soup pot for as many hours as you can.
Remove the prawns after ten minutes, cool them then shell em and set aside
Chop garlic and carrots then add into organic ground/ minced beef with some organic soy sauce/ organic oyster sauce, sesame oil, black pepper parsley and some sea salt. Put in the fridge.

Add in washed rice to boiling broth an hour before mealtime.

Half an hour before serving, spoon the beef mixture into the boiling broth.
Place the spinach leaves on top and cover the pot.

Boil again for another 15 minutes. Switch off the fire, place the shelled prawns into pot, cover and leave for 10 minutes.

Dish out and serve with a spoon of fragrant garlic sautéed to a beautiful brown in extra virgin olive oil.

Packed with nutrition and absolutely yummy.

My hubby and sons love this!

* oh I forgot the last ingredient, add just a dash of love on top of the spinach before covering the pot for it's final boil :)

Bowl food. Simply nutritious nasi goreng

What u need:-
A slice of sea bass
A slice of cod
Organic French beans
Organic carrots
Cooked basmati rice
Kampung eggs
Organic seaweed tofu
Extra virgin olive oil
Coarse black pepper
Dried parsley

Pan fry the sea bass and cod.
Set aside
Pan fry tofu
Set aside
Chop garlic and sauté till fragrant
Add in sea bass and cod and minced with spatula to little pieces
Add in chopped French beans and carrots
Fry till fragrant
Add in tofu and beaten egg.
Add in rice when egg is still slightly moist
Fry till rice is separated and very very fragrant.
Serve with a smile, cooked with love.

Enjoy.

Part 1 -....as we prepare to move.....

my 3 year and 2 month old washing machine kaput-ed on us yesterday...

In absolute protest...

This morning, my 7 year old decided that we should completely ignore our normal Saturday routine.
So no rushing for Tae Kwon Do at half past ten, no rushing for Aikido at 4pm and no rushing anything.....Just a nice chill out Saturday morning moseying and pottering around the house....that is until I have to go to work at noon that is...Bah!

Quite nice I must say, nowadays, too much to do in too little time even has our little ones protesting and putting their foot down about it. i should learn to listen to my son more.....

Have a great weekend all....

To The Japanese People - You are the true Human Race

The lessons the people of Japan(The Rakyat as we call them in Malaysia) have taught me are:-
Selflessness & Others before self.

No other country in the world can face such devastation and still the Japanese Government is able to mobilize most if not all of their resources for search and rescue operations. There is no need for Police control to monitor unruly desperate behavior of the Japanese People, because there just aren't any.

The Japanese "Rakyat" who have suffered so much still maintain their quiet dignity and respect for others. No looting, no robberies, no fighting.

So let this be THE lesson for all of us. We can see the world is going through massive changes this year and the next.

What we need to do is to learn what the People in Japan are showing us, on how to be the true Human Race. This is what we will need, to survive the turbulent times ahead.

To the People in Japan. Respect and much love.

My prayers are with you today and for the long years ahead.

A true story about me!

The difference between a bimbo and a smart chick. A smart chick knows that her phone alarm will still go off even if the phone is on silent.

A bimbo switches on her volume to the max and lies awake the whole night being disturbed by notifications and text messages.

A double whammy for the bimbo is when she discovers her phone alarm does sound even when her phone is on silent, proceeds to put the phone on silent mode and goes to sleep, without activating the Alarm on the phone.


Story of my life....

ATB - The Autumn Leaves

October 20th 2008

I sat there and listened to the song playing over and over again and as tears streamed down my face like the endless rain.
A part of me died.

I wished, you would have had the decency to spare me. To let me know when the feelings ended, if you were through with me.

But, like they say, time and time again. A woman does what a woman gotta do. A lioness will endure great trials for her cub.

I stayed and I put on a brave face and faced the world. Through a mist of tears, pain and misery I braved each day with a heart, heavy with sorrow and betrayal. Coz life just gotta go on.

It has been 2 years and 3 months now. I am still here. The same and yet, not the same. Never the same again.

Who knows what the future holds.

But let me just say one tiny thing. Just so I can get it off my chest.
During that year, my weight dropped , my 5 foot 8 frame weighed in at 8 .5 stones. Lost my butt and my non-existent boobs.
I survived on coffee and cigarettes.
Only coffee and cigarettes.....

So, now my body is retaliating because it is hoarding the food I have begun to eat again. My body is adjusting to the fact that I quit smoking a year ago, to try to repair the damage I did in that one miserable year.

So please la, don't look at my body and say Wah! You are so fat! Everyone has his or her reasons for something that happens. As I had mine.

Have a bit of subtlety, think before you speak. You may hurt someone's feelings tremendously or worse, cause someone to fall off a wagon.

Autumn Leaves - Poignant, Painful, Forlorn. The special song you shared with her.....
-the pain that lives in me forever-

My Maternal Grandmother

She’s a great old soul and not shy to swear a mile a minute when one needs a good tellin’ off…lol

I have often listened to Grandma tell me about the times when my mom and uncle were young, how she would walk instead of taking the bus, how she’d just have peanuts and black coffee for lunch, how she’d stretch her meager income to raise her children so that they could have nutritious food to eat and a chance at a good education.

Those struggling days are long gone. Her children have all grown up now. My Mom is in the UK unfortunately, far far away. And my dear Grandma, in her Golden Years, well, she’s in the Golden Age Nursing Home. Living by herself amongst the abandoned and unwanted.

Mom, I know you have told me that there is nothing that we can do or say to change this, as Grandma is stubborn and still insistent on doing whatever keeps her closer to her son. But how can someone leave their Mom, the MOM that had struggled and single-handedly raised him, in a Nursing Home that smells of decay, stale urine and desperation?

Every time I visit, I cannot sit for longer than 10 minute because I am overcome by the smell of stale urine. Every time I visit, I have to stand outside this Tall Tall Padlocked Gate and wait for the help to open the gate and it is hurriedly locked behind me as I enter. The slope of the driveway puts a ski slope to shame.

Tell me is this the Thank You that Grandma deserves? Is this where she is to spend the rest of her remaining years? This sucks mum.

I’ve been trying to think positive, be positive and look on the bright side. I know that Yes she is no longer staying alone in her hot hot room by herself everyday, Yes, she now gets 3 square meals a day cooked for her, but that’s all superficial, that’s not what matters.

How does she really feel inside? How does her heart feel? She is in a place that is not her Home. She should be with the people she loves. How can Uncle do this to her?

:(